


Caving In, Bursting Out

by Nyxako



Category: SHINee
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Kim Jonghyun-centric, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-24 13:41:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13812357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyxako/pseuds/Nyxako
Summary: What happens when the loneliness begins to suffocate you - when everything is caving in and bursting out?





	Caving In, Bursting Out

**Author's Note:**

> _I originally posted this in 2011 on LiveJournal, and have made a few small edits but it's mostly the same._
> 
> _For a long time, I debated on whether or not to repost this, but out of every SHINee fic I ever wrote, this was the only one that I wanted to carry over into my new online handle. Jonghyun was an amazing person, and he deserved so much better than what this world had to offer him. I hope that he has found peace._
> 
> _Please also note that this is in no way meant to be disrespectful. I think it's important to not only remember the good things, but to also remember the struggles that Jonghyun went through._

People thought that Jonghyun wore his emotions on his sleeve, and for the most part they were right. He cried when he felt the situation permitted it, he was always the first one to get angry when their management was being less than fair, and he always laughed to his hearts content, unaware of his ridiculous and carefree expressions and postures. He always did what he felt was right, except during times like these.

See, being angry and emotional and happy was easy enough; those were tangible emotions, things that everyone could relate to. He could show those sides of himself and know that, no matter how many people out there said he was a crybaby or a derp, or even short-tempered (which he hated for the double meaning) someone would be able to relate to it, and they would find it comforting to know that their idol was just as human as the rest of them.

What he never showed was the loneliness. The intangible emotion one felt in the middle of the night, surrounded by nothing but a dark room and the dim lights from the tv or computer. No, this emotion wasn't easily expressed by any means; all he knew was that when it came around, almost always suddenly, it suffocated him. It gripped him by the shirt collar, shoved its way deep inside his heart, tortured him until he could no longer tell if his chest was bursting out of caving in. 

When he was younger, music had been his saviour. It had been during these times that he discovered his own voice while screaming along with whatever song he'd decided to blast in order to cancel out the silence. The music had saved him, but now it seemed too methodical, too orderly; now, he wasn't singing for fun or to alleviate the frustration building inside of him. Now it was his job, and he often caught himself straying from the outpour of emotion that singing once was in order to change his notes, to put himself back in pitch. No, singing no longer merited any sort of relief for Jonghyun.

It was during these times, these times where absolutely nothing went bump in the night, that Jonghyun found himself sobbing. Not those loud, obnoxious sobs of dramatic actresses, but the quiet, discreet sobs that could almost go unnoticed by even himself if it weren't for the shaking that always accompanied them. It was the shaking that got to him the most; he didn't like feeling like some broken, terrified thing. But in the end, that's all he really was, wasn't he? Wasn't he just, in the end, scared? Scared of being alone; scared of being suffocated by the silence that seemed to close in on him all too quickly, and for much too long. The fear would take over, taking hold of every bit of Jonghyun's soul until he was left as nothing more than a quivering, sobbing mess on the kitchen floor.

"Hyung?"

Jonghyun froze, his sobs coming to an abrupt halt as he heard the voice coming from the entry way. His eyes peeled themselves open for the first time in he didn't know how long, his vision blurred and shaky as he glanced up, wondering when it was that the lights had turned on. 

"Minho-ah," Jonghyun whispered, his voice cracked and hoarse. He blinked his eyes a few times to shove the tears away, offering the younger man a small smile that he hoped didn't look as broken as he felt. 

Minho looked at him, really looked at him, and smiled. Jonghyun felt something inside of him shift, the loneliness dissipating as if into thin air, his lips curling upward in something that probably resembled a smile, but was a little more broken. He glanced down to see Minho's hand outstretched, the thin fingers both gentle and strong. Minho smiled at him a little wider, an ease in that one moment that made Jonghyun's chest and heart swell back to its normal size, no longer caving in, no longer bursting out. Just full.

"Let's go to the park and play soccer, hyung. Everyone is waiting for us."

Jonghyun really smiled then, his eyes crinkling at the sides, his nostrils flaring out as he nodded his head. He reached out and grabbed Minho's hand, a flicker of happiness bubbling within his chest as he realized that, for the first time in his life, he didn't have to suffer through the loneliness all by himself. That for the first time since he'd discovered music, there was something that could cure the loneliness. He had people around him now, people who understood him and loved him for who he was. He wasn't alone.

**Author's Note:**

> _If you are struggling with depression, please try and find a way to overcome it. Whether it's by talking to over people, taking medications, throwing yourself into a hobby, or anything else that might work for you. Please know that there is always hope, no matter how hard it is to see._
> 
> _Rest in peace, Jonghyun._


End file.
